Horror: Let Me Fang You

 

Horror is sexy.

Lycanthropes, zombies, and vampires will eat your face, but they’re also known for eating other things. Blood suckers and flesh love to devour innocent victims. Don’t forget your protection—sharpen your stake and let’s go teach the undead a lesson.

 

• Vampires

• Werewolves

• Zombies

 

DISCLAIMER: We can argue all day long whether or not vampires, zombies and werewolves are legit monsters…but since you’re not physically here to argue any points of merit, well, my friend, let’s just assume for a few minutes that the Unholy Trio are not monsters, okay?

They’re transformative hominids. Fair enough? Great. Fantastic.

Anyway…where were we…Oh yeah! All the vampire fucking.

Turn on the boob tube and you’ll most likely see a hairy meathead ripping off his shirt, or some pale lingerie model exposing her pointed canines. Perhaps a zombie gagging on someone’s intestine. Come on. What’s wrong with Dracula? Is he perverted enough? or just bat shit crazy? Bram Stoker would vomit in his grave if he indulged in modern vampire mythos! Well…he may do something else, but we’ll go ahead and give Bram some privacy.

True Blood, and similar shitty shows, sank its dull teeth into the public’s neck and drained everyone of their time, or creative enthusiasm. How many rip-off shows (and movies) proceeded the vampiric HBO hit-series? Sane people lost count after watching True Blood, however, the airwaves have always been saturated with televised fake blood.

Put on your diving helmet because we’re about to go real deep: sex sells.

If a pair of tits graces the cover of a magazine—that’s the magazine that’s going to drain someone’s wallet.

Sexualizing a monster can be done, but not in good taste, like a vampire, werewolf, or zombie. Transformative hominids have the added benefit of already being a humanoid…which helps. Obviously.

Think about it.

Anyone can shove plastic fangs inside a model’s mouth and say:

“Here—put these in—we’re going to do a horror photo shoot. Oh! Don’t forget the thong! Nope. Wrong one. The spiked leather…right! Yup. That’s the one. This is supposed to be scary sexy, remember?”

That’s it. Done. Finished.

Now…if you wanted to dress the model up as a monster…do you realize how many more hoops you would have to jump through to accomplish such a grotesque task? Especially if you had to sexualize this hypothetical monster. Yikes.

Grab your stake. Come on. Let’s explore the topic a little further.

…What if we wanted the model to become an Octorfly? (butterfly-octopus-tortoise). Do you realize how much more effort we would have to spend on that really cool project? We would need wings. But not any kind of wing—we need fuckin’ butterfly wings! And a tortoise shell! Good luck finding that. Don’t forget the tentacles.

Ummm…sexy? (Octorfly Illustration By Poet Rummager)

Let’s assume you’re an evil genius and you managed to splice together an Octorfly. Great. Now slap a thong on your creature and see how the public reacts to your…ummm…creation.

Sure, sure, you can make any member of the Unholy Trio as complex as imaginable. Boiled down to their basic constituent parts, well, there’s not much to them:

 

• Pointy fangs (or teeth)
  

• Hot body (optional)

• Clothes (optional)

• Hair

• Rotting flesh-like material (makeup)

 

Easy. Simple. Done.

The zombie would be the most difficult to make, although you can go to your local thrift shop and purchase everything you need. Don’t be ashamed! Wear that nasty plaid suit jacket that’s been accumulating dust since 1996.

Authentic dust looks very nice on film.

 

Werewolves, zombies, and vampires can be tailored to your dark fantasy.

 

Common perception would lead you to believe that the lycan would be the most difficult to sexualize, but a werewolf mask can be discovered relatively easy. I’m not saying a mask is optimal or even desirable, but I think we all can agree it’s easier to put on a mask than to paint your face with cheap-ass makeup.

I’m So Sexy

Pay a meathead to put on a werewolf mask and you got yourself a lycan for hire! Pay him well.

Hell—even a zombie can be sexy. Just swap the dusty plaid suit jacket for a spiked leather thong. Male or female.

Easy. Your choice. No judgments.

 

 

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