Horror: Stupid People

 

A red substance flows from underneath Margaret’s bedroom door. Elroy’s eyes stretch into bulbous orbs as sweat condenses around his brow.

He grips the doorknob, exhales a soft breath, and then opens the door.

 

Stupid Is As Stupid Dies

 

Have you noticed that people’s intelligence seems to be cut in half when they’re depicted within a horrific scenario? What would horror do if it didn’t have a menagerie of dumb folk parading around in ball-constricting Levi’s or chest-enhancing tube tops?

Take for instance the cinematic dog—The Apparition.

Hell, with a title like that, how can you go wrong?!

Turns out you can be wronged in so many ways, that you’ll be left aghast within a temporary fog of dumbosity. Let’s explore a few really scary scenes together:

 

• Resident hot chick (equipped in short night-gown and panties), experiences some really freaky shit inside a newly purchased abode. She decides to leave and hail a taxi to her nearest acquaintance…right? Hell no! She decides to go shack up in a tent outside in the front lawn…while in her underwear.

 

• Resident hot chick is trying to catch some Zs; the bed sheets decide to extract some revenge for not being washed in over a month. The linen constricts around the hot chick’s body, and then proceeds to **spoiler alert** suffocate her. But not for long! Her macho boyfriend bursts into the room and rips the vengeful sheets apart with his BARE HANDS! What a tough guy.

 

Now…any sane person would leave if they were truly experiencing freaky shit! It doesn’t matter how much “paranormal gear” is tucked away inside the closet…suffocating bed sheets are a deal breaker.

 

Welcome to horror: home for unfortunates that are doomed to make ill-informed choices for our amusement.

 

Dumbass + Poor Decision = Horror

 

I’m sure you encountered your share of fictional characters that were sadly cursed with meek critical-thinking skills. If you think about it—how can horror possibly survive without people that are intellectually stunted?

Rationality can keep anyone safe from being the victim of a shitty situation.

 

• Do not cross street without looking both ways
  

• Do not consume delicious lollipops from strangers

• Do not frolic in woods after midnight

• Do not investigate creepy sounds

• Do not venture into basements

 

What would horror be without those that didn’t spend those precious two seconds to look both ways?

I’ll tell you what horror would be—a road without roadkill.

Sure. Yup. Guaranteed. The level of dumbosity varies from tale to tale. Some people are outright, borderline, re-goddamn-diculous, while other people are just old fashioned stupid.

 

Don’t Think. Just Die.

 

You’ve witnessed your healthy share of lovely maidens tripping over themselves in a dark forest, or some masculine macho that gets out of his big bastard truck to investigate a creepy silhouette in the road.

Horror thrives on those who fornicate in graveyards, or individuals who venture into a forest with nothing but skid marked stained tighty-whities to protect their tasty hide.

What about catacomb spelunking? Gee, ummm, like, what could be lurking underneath a cemetery…undead shit? (I’m just taking a wild guess).

 

Many horrific situations can be avoided:

 

• Haunted House—leave

• Weird noises—leave

• Creepy movement in woods—leave

• Sounds of screams from inside closed room—leave

 

Do you notice a pattern?

Then again…

…we wouldn’t have a horrific tale of terror without a proper dumbass. Yup. It’s true.

A proper dumbass propels a horrific tale of terror into territories a sane person could never imagine in 13.5 billion years. They’re the ones that open the doors. They’re the ones that investigate the screams. They’re the ones that chase shadows in the forest.

….Oh! Whatever happened to our old pal Elroy? What did he discover when he opened Margaret’s door?

A spilled paint can labeled: Ignorant Red.

 

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